Clarity

I spent last weekend out in Oregon.

The past couple of summers (2019 and 2020), Emily and I took ourselves on little artist retreats in the mountains - but in March, she moved out west and our yurting plans had to change a little. No matter, really - it’s being together, talking about goals and life and art, that is the important thing. So I traveled to her new town and we carried on our tradition in typical “us” fashion. Which is to say, we talked (and sang) until our throats were scratchy and our hearts were happy.

Where our past two trips were totally secluded, this trip was a mix of urban and wild. It was stopping for a coffee on the way out to the coast. Falling asleep to the soft melody of traffic noises and searching for agates in the river. Hanging our hammocks up in the park to escape the heat of the day and grabbing breakfast in Portland before my flight back to Colorado. A brief, but potent, three days that I’m clinging to like a lifeline now that I’m back at home.

I’ve felt for a long time like maybe I’m not doing exactly what I should be doing. Like things are fine, but I’m not really tapping into my full potential. When I started Clementine and Sage, I had just quit my job and stupidly (brilliantly) decided to adopt a wild horse - so much of my mindset for the first couple years was focused firmly on SURVIVAL. Whatever I had to do to make that next sale, I was going to get it done.

But when things leveled out, when the business finally started to support itself…maybe it’s a little like finishing a college degree only to realize that you specialized too early. Then again, maybe that’s too harsh. Art is right - but how I’m doing it isn’t quite.

Emily and I talked about this in depth. Where we want to go, where we feel stuck, possible processes for getting unstuck. While traveling home, I made lists to organize my thoughts and listened to a podcast she recommended and generally came to the conclusion that I know exactly what I want - but that I’m scared of taking the necessary steps to achieve my goals because they will take time and focus away from the processes that have proven themselves to be successful money-wise.

I talk often about leaps of faith - and I’ll give myself a little credit and say that I have taken a few in my short life. But most of the time when I let that idea seep into my words or my work, it’s because there’s a leap that I’m only half taking - or maybe wanting to take, but not taking at all. I guess what I came away with, after being with Emily, was that I can build myself a map. Carve out some stepping stones. If I can focus on where I want to go, what I want to do, the process doesn’t have to be some grand leap but can instead be a calm and purposeful walk forwards. My survival instincts need not be activated! As it turns out, I think I’ve got this.

The morning after getting back, I did a big tarot card spread (which is something that I do at the beginning of every new season). Now before I lose you, let me just say that I don’t think the point of tarot cards is to reveal the future - that’s madness, in my opinion. They are, however, a great intuitive tool to check in which how I’m feeling. See, it’s not so much the meaning of the card itself that is important - no, it’s the reaction I have that matters. In this sense, it doesn’t matter what I draw - any and every card will trigger something for me to mull over. 

Anyhow, the big, main, central card that I drew from the stack to represent my summer was Death, in the reverse position. It was just what I needed - one more reminder that I’m holding onto something that needs to be let go. One more internal arrow from my subconscious pointing to the fact that it’s time to loosen my grip and let the metamorphosis begin.

Just a really, really good omen.

I do believe I give off the impression, whenever and wherever I post, that I’m being fully raw and honest - but oh, the millions of things I don’t say! I am a tempest of tumbling thoughts at all times - and most, after taking a glimpse behind the curtain I’ve so carefully placed, turn away or change the subject or run for the hills. It takes a special kind of person to stand solid, to STAY, in the face of all that - but Emily always has. This little trip was so timely, so necessary, for my soul - and I’ve got her (YOU, if you’re reading this dear friend!) to thank for this determination I’m feeling now. Onwards I go!